Remembering My Landlady

On the morning of February of 1992, I returned home from dropping off the kids to school. Mrs. Turks, my landlady wanted to share a cheesecake recipe from the package of the Philadelphia cream cheese. She went on and on about how easy it was to make, and I told her I would try it out and never thinking that I was speaking to her for the last time.

I did not see her for the rest of the day. I did not hear anything from the inside of her apartment, so I assumed she was out on errands, and I proceeded to go pick up the kids. It was around 2:45 PM.

While waiting with the other parents, my neighbor, who lives just two houses from me, Bebe. She approached me and asked, “Did you hear what happened to Mrs.Turks?” I responded, “no.” She and I never got along; it was a mutual dislike.

After Mrs. Turks told me about the recipe that morning, she visited my neighbor, Bebe, and while at her house. She said Mrs. Turks was acting strangely and was looking around her living room as though for the last time. At that precise moment, she had a massive stroke cerebral hemorrhage.

Mrs. Ludmilla Turks passed away at age 86. I think about her and reflect on our friendship. She was loving, caring, and a pretty sassy lady when needed and independent until the end.

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Is it a Rebellion?

Today was a grocery shopping day. We went to Sam’s Club, upon arrival, the line was outside the door, those on the line had masks and practicing social distancing.

I noticed there were a few not wearing masks, walking around with pride in their faces? It appeared as though they were defying the odds like a dare. A thought came to mind to ask the following, is it a rebellion?

What is it going to take for this alleged rebellion to end? And see the light of realization and truth!

Don’t you all realize that is not about you against me, it is about us against it! It is a matter of choosing whether you want to survive this pandemic or take the low road towards shortening your life and die!

I am 61 years of age, I want to live! I want to see my family grow, and live to see a miraculous change to our society, and believe me we need that in the worst way.

It will take lots of work, but we need to commit to making it happen.

Whispers

Whispers

I don’t hear you clearly, but I listen to you talking.

About what? Who knows!

Whispers

Why am I not included in what you are saying?

I feel shunned I am not included.

Whispers

Why do you trust the wrong ears to tell your secrets?

I am trustworthy.

I am a good person.

Whispers

Only time will reveal those you should

trust. 

To be Human

“A person’s life may be a lonely thing by nature, but it is not isolated. To that life other lives are linked.”

― Haruki Murakami

To be human is to be connected to others that are human just like you, but when that connection is interrupted by life emergencies such as a pandemic. It requires creativity and forethought. It requires patience and planning. It requires vision!

If your preference is indoors or goes outdoors? Plan activities that will prevent you from going out of your mind or scream from the rooftops!

How many skills have become fine-tuned since being indoors? You find yourself more into reading or listening to audiobooks, you all of sudden are trying out new recipes to share with your family or you decide to work on a craft project together.

Outdoors? These days are more of a venture for survival, going to the store, or going to the pharmacy for your food and essentials. Taking walks for fresh air, fitness, or walking your dog.

Wearing a mask has become part of your fashion wardrobe. Social distancing has become the norm.

It does not matter what you do or how you do it. The point is human interaction, share thoughts, share the love, and share support.

A View of Good-Bye

My dearest friend,

Your wake was yesterday, and your daughter did a Facebook live. It was a view of good-bye. The funeral hall had soft lighting, a closed white casket with a beautiful arrangement of roses that draped over, and the photos were placed on poster board displayed around the room full of so many memories from a happier time. You would be proud of Cella, she is an amazing young lady. You did well my friend in raising her.

You were a woman full of life and lived each day to the fullest so connected to family and friends. Your heart was huge!

Your friendship taught me so many things, one to speak up and stand up for what you believe in, no matter what comes your way.

When you became a mom, that was such an emotional time, especially when you asked us to be godparents to your baby. It was such an honor!

I am forever grateful that we were friends, and I will never forget you. Rest in peace!

Are you taken seriously?

Are you are taken seriously? I have and my epiphany is that I am not looked upon as the go-to of knowledge. It is not for lack of intelligence, it is due to the way I am. I come across as the kidding around, jokey type. I am pretty easy going I am good-humored. As a person with ADHD, I guess I use humor as a defense mechanism and as a way of looking beyond a disability.

As a kid, and as an adult I was viewed the same way, although I was not diagnosed with ADHD until much later, but lately, I been self-reflecting. At work, I take responsibility for my actions. I have made a great stride to improve, but when it comes to serious work issues I am not the one that appears on the radar.

Just the other day I was onsite at work and we were all called upon to make a goodbye retirement video from all the employees to one of our employees. My coworkers viewed my video submission and began to make critiques and chuckle. In my defense, I outright told them, “at least I submitted a video, did any of you?” They responded, “no, and we don’t do videos.” I indirectly let them know, “you have no right to critique if you did not participate.” They left me alone after that and proceeded as though nothing occurred. Inside within myself, I was not happy and was disappointed at their reaction.

I have worked to self improve the way I am perceived by others through my blogging, doing leadership presentations, new hire orientations, and employee of the month presentations in my professional life.

I am not there yet and I feel there is so much left for me to accomplish. Stay tuned!

Random Girl!

Random Girl! It was love at first sight! You were six months old when I met you. A rescue kitty with a full multicolored coat full of patches of white, tan, beige, and black. Your little face with a permanent mask half black. Your amazing green gem colored eyes were piercing. 

Random Girl! Fast forward to the present. It is hard to believe you are already eight. A temperamental four-legged being with a mind of her own! Always good at letting me know that your litter is full, leaving me presents. You give cuddly love only on your terms.

Random Girl! When I am sick, you are there. If there is someone at the door, you forget you are a cat. Heck! You even play with a ball like a dog.

Random Girl! With all that you give I won’t trade you for no other. My love for you is unconditional to the end.

Grief

Grief. You can not avoid it or lock it down or run from it when you lose a loved one or a friend. It knocks the wind out of your sails because you are not aware when it is coming. I had a co-worker that said it best, “when you are born, you are given a set appointment. It has no time and no date,” and we all get one.

There is nowhere to turn but to confront the grief and deal with it. My friend died from the Coronavirus. It did something to me, forced me to think about my mortality and think about my relationship with family and friends. Are they close to you, or are you estranged? How long has it been since you communicated with them? All the stuff that swirls in your head when death comes knocking.

My friend and I had an estranged friendship, we lost contact with each other, and it was of my own doing, my stupidity, and sensitive self, I detached! I think about her last moments, was she alone? And because of this virus, she may have had only the medical staff to give her comfort in her final moments. My heart breaks!

My lesson? I don’t want to detach from anyone anymore. I want to value those around me and cherish every moment. It is my personal goal.

People are Dying!

I can not wrap my head around this situation. People are dying, people are suffering, and yet we continue, and now the riots!

Mr. Floyd died as witnessed by many, as those who saw screamed to the officers responsible let him go as he pleaded, “I can’t breathe!”

More are dying, more are suffering, and what are we prepared to do, nothing?

Peaceful protests turn violent, and welcoming speeches go nowhere, no resolve!

Yet, we are still searching for answers, a resolution. Stop the hate, and stop the hurt! Let us strive for peace and harmony.

My Dear Friend in Heaven

“The song is ended, but the melody lingers on.”

~Irving Berlin

I heard that you passed away yesterday, and it breaks my heart to face the reality that you are no longer on this earth. So many feelings are swirling inside me right now. I have many regrets, one I did not keep in touch with you and Cella all of those years. I often thought of you and how things were going.

I love the postings Cella would do on occasion, and it was sporadic to see you there with her. It was always around the celebration of a holiday or a birthday. I remember how you felt about social media; you did not care for it much. I decided to write you this letter in honor of you.

We were friends from the start when we met in the Borough of Manhattan Community College. I did not know what to make of you with your big Latina fro and your big framed glasses, it was in 1977 after all. You were always so outspoken, and you knew your path of success from the beginning. You had a great sense of humor, a huge heart, contagious laughter, and never fearful of speaking your mind.

We kept in touch for the most part, and we went on to begin our families, but we always kept in touch through the rough times as well as the good times. I don’t know the exact reason we lost touch, but I have a memory.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am too sensitive about certain things. And you being so outspoken, I got my feelings hurt by you over stupidity.

I was already living in Florida, and you visited with Cella. You loved cooking, so one evening you wanted to make a signature dish that you were so proud of. It was Chicken with white sauce and rice. Delicious! Believe it or not, I was not too fond of the way you took over the kitchen. It was so stupid thinking in retrospect. I was grateful for your excellent meal, but I felt like you trespassed. I should have told you how I felt, but instead, I began to distance myself.

My friend, I am asking of you in heaven where you are right at this moment to forgive me. I will have to live with this, and it is all because of my sensitive self, and for that, I am deeply sorry.

In my heart, I believe you heard me. You will be deeply missed, my friend.