Emotions

My emotions are running high today, and I lost another friend, she was a pastor, an amazing prayer warrior of God, an educator, and a loving mom to her children and wife to her husband.

This year is full of heartbreak, and I am trying to manage all of my feelings. It is hard! 

I go day to day doing what is right, go to work, live my family life, and so on, so what is going on inside my head? 

And to cope, I did a little Karaoke online last night, and I joined in to do a recording of Alpha and Omega, an influential Christian song, it touched me so much that I broke down. It took a few takes, but I joined in with 18 others, so when you hear it, it sounds as though I sang in a choir. It was beautiful.

I guess this is grief? It is heartwrenching! I wouldn’t say I like it when I get this way. I get annoyed with myself when this happens. I am working through it as a fighter, and I won’t let this keep me down. I know losing friends is not easy.

I will pull through, just saying.

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Farewell, Pastor Char!

Many of us have people come into our lives for a season, someone who impacted you in some way or changed your perspective on life. Pastor Charlane was that person; sadly, she passed away.

Pastor Char, as she was known, was an amazing woman, a mighty warrior of God. She dedicated herself to the salvation of souls.

I met her in 2006 at a Christian retreat. My daughter invited me, and Pastor Char was one of the presenters. I remember her passion and her determination to bring us closer to knowing our Lord and Savior.

I was skeptical, and I did believe in God but not invested in him. I was your typical believer, attended service only on the holidays, or if someone passed away or was getting married. I admit, it is shameful to recognize, but it is true.

To know Pastor Char, it would surprise you that she was not always a pastor, but an educator. I learned a lot from her in every bible study group she taught. I was not a willing participant at first, but she had a way of making you feel at ease in a group of 12 ladies of faith.

I learned to search my inner self, to forgive those who hurt me and move on. The list is long and vast. I am better for it, and I am grateful for you, Pastor Charlane.

May you rest in peace and God bless.

Human Crazy

“Being human is a given. But keeping our humanity is a choice. “

~Steemit

I find myself reflecting on our current world situation with the Coronavirus. So much going on, I cannot make heads or tails, or possibly make sense of it all. Human crazy! Am I alone on this? Do any of you read this feel the same? I decided to flush all on this page. Let me know if I come across too anxious or again, Human Crazy!

Mr. President

Please help me to understand the method to your madness. Thus far, I see more of madness than a solution. I never thought I’d say this, but I don’t feel safe where I live. Your leadership leaves many questions unanswered. You continue to ignore all of the warning signs, and you are leading the people towards disaster, more deaths, more mayhem, and more confusion. Listen to the experts in the medical field like Dr. Fauci, who is a leading expert in the area of disease control. Listen! Please, Listen!

Mask Rebellion

I implore my fellow humans to see that COVID 19 continues to kill those close to us. For those of you who still feel that this is a hoax, look around. It is real! I am living proof I have seen what this thing can do. Please don’t take it for granted. Wear a mask, and it will save lives!

I recently lost my friend, and my brother tested positive as well as a few close friends, so yes, it is genuine. Many of you are protesting, saying that it is your right to refuse, your God-given right? I am here to say I choose life, and I want to live, that is my God-given right! Do your research! When did this human pandemic become political? It should have never happened; perhaps the outcome would be different.

COVID Rising

If you watch the news, you will see that the number of positive cases is rising, the number of hospitalizations is rising, and the hospitals are running out of space. Even the morgues are filled, and some states have begun to bring in freezer trucks for the dead, but yet I hear plans for opening the schools. Why? Now, our children are in jeopardy and danger? They are as much at risk as adults. Think about it, let us say the child attends the school, he or she may have an elderly in their home, so that being said, this child ultimately will bring in the virus and spread it to his or her family. Think about the bigger picture!

I say all of this in hopes that it will touch someone, make them see that the pandemic is much larger than anticipated, and we are in this together for better or for worse.

COVID On My Mind

“Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.”

~Warren Buffet

In the light of COVID, surrounded by despair and crisis, that is all I can think about is death. What is it going to take for those doubting this pandemic to see the light? 2020 will forever go down in history as the pandemic that challenged all of us to be better, and for those non-believers. We must pray!

It is surreal seeing people in the media being defiant, and downright belligerent. It is sad! Don’t they realize if not for themselves, but for a loved one. It is crucial not to drag this virus into their home and infect someone they love, maybe this is what they need to make the picture come into focus.

I recently lost a close friend to COVID, and my brother tested positive, and thank God he is among those that survived. I also was exposed I got tested and by the grace of God I was negative. My mother who is 89 years of age lives with me, so it is crucial that I stay safe for her sake.

The numbers continue to climb, and they have named the state of Florida an epicenter. I don’t know how this will play out all I know I will continue to do my due diligence to practice safety by wearing my mask and practice social distancing.

Be Safe!

Was it a Dream?

Years ago, after the death of my landlady, I had a dream. It took place after we invited her friends over to the apartment after her wake. I remember we hosted, it was coffee and dessert. Her friends kept on complimenting us as to how nice we were for doing this for Ludmilla.  My husband and I would respond by saying, “We loved our landlady, Ludmilla. “ The apartment was so full of friends that we did not realize she had so many friends.

After the beverage and dessert, our landlady’s friends began to exit for the evening.

Days after, we started living downstairs due to the apartment being vacant. We were afraid someone would break-in, so we began to live downstairs until the house sold.

My neighbor, Madalane, dropped by to give us a bouquet of daffodils. I placed them on Ludmilla’s credenza. Lots of yellow petals so beautiful. The downstairs was very old-fashioned, Ludmilla had all the original appliances in the kitchen, the dinette set was made of chrome legs, plastic cushions on the backing and seat of the chairs. It was like being back in the 60s. The cabinets were white with little square windows to see the dishware, cups, and glasses on display.

That night I dreamed about Ludmilla, she visited me, but she was not the age she was when she passed. Ludmilla was 86 when she died, but in the dream, she appeared to be in her mid-50s. Her hair was black styled in an updo, exquisite. She was dressed in a plaid suit, pink and blue squares, white background, and black pumps.

In the dream, she began to inquire, “what have you done with my things.” I began to show her the glasses and dishware in the cabinets and how we are living downstairs until the house sells. I continued telling her that we packed all her belongings to ship to Riga, Lavia, to her niece and nephew, as she stated in her will. I was so happy to speak with her and catch up with her, and I wanted to make sure that she’d be pleased with us. She complimented me, and indeed she was delighted. I showed Ludmilla the daffodils that my neighbor had bought over earlier in the day placed on the credenza.

At that moment, she glances at me, and she expressed she has to go. I did not want her to go. As we looked at each other we embraced, she expressed her goodbyes, as she disappeared, I woke up sobbing. I woke up my husband, and he was concerned that I was crying so much. It was an emotional and intense time. Was it a dream? Did she visit me?

Humanity is Dying

“It’s possible to remain long in the state of deprivation if you are not aware you can escape it. Knowing what exists and who you are is enough to inform you to make ideal choices.”

― Israelmore Ayivor

Humanity is dying! Everywhere you look, people are sick, while those around them are in denial. How did we get here? I am human, as well as you are human, so why are we in a constant battle with each other, when this invisible enemy is killing us off one by one?  It does not discriminate, and it does not care where you come from or how much money you have or how old you are. It just takes life!

It is a continuous struggle to adapt to the new norm. I social distance, I wash my hands a bazillion times a day and wipe down everything I touch to avoid contamination from this invisible terrorist.

It is like you are part of some outrageous Sci-Fi movie where the heroine warns others to beware, and they defy the odds thinking they will not be affected and infected! Wake up my fellow humans, because this is not over.

My eyes are wide open. I recently lost a close friend and know of others that lost family members to this horrid virus. Why not heed the warnings and do what you need to do to live? Choose to live!

Remembering My Landlady

On the morning of February of 1992, I returned home from dropping off the kids to school. Mrs. Turks, my landlady wanted to share a cheesecake recipe from the package of the Philadelphia cream cheese. She went on and on about how easy it was to make, and I told her I would try it out and never thinking that I was speaking to her for the last time.

I did not see her for the rest of the day. I did not hear anything from the inside of her apartment, so I assumed she was out on errands, and I proceeded to go pick up the kids. It was around 2:45 PM.

While waiting with the other parents, my neighbor, who lives just two houses from me, Bebe. She approached me and asked, “Did you hear what happened to Mrs.Turks?” I responded, “no.” She and I never got along; it was a mutual dislike.

After Mrs. Turks told me about the recipe that morning, she visited my neighbor, Bebe, and while at her house. She said Mrs. Turks was acting strangely and was looking around her living room as though for the last time. At that precise moment, she had a massive stroke cerebral hemorrhage.

Mrs. Ludmilla Turks passed away at age 86. I think about her and reflect on our friendship. She was loving, caring, and a pretty sassy lady when needed and independent until the end.

A View of Good-Bye

My dearest friend,

Your wake was yesterday, and your daughter did a Facebook live. It was a view of good-bye. The funeral hall had soft lighting, a closed white casket with a beautiful arrangement of roses that draped over, and the photos were placed on poster board displayed around the room full of so many memories from a happier time. You would be proud of Cella, she is an amazing young lady. You did well my friend in raising her.

You were a woman full of life and lived each day to the fullest so connected to family and friends. Your heart was huge!

Your friendship taught me so many things, one to speak up and stand up for what you believe in, no matter what comes your way.

When you became a mom, that was such an emotional time, especially when you asked us to be godparents to your baby. It was such an honor!

I am forever grateful that we were friends, and I will never forget you. Rest in peace!

Grief

Grief. You can not avoid it or lock it down or run from it when you lose a loved one or a friend. It knocks the wind out of your sails because you are not aware when it is coming. I had a co-worker that said it best, “when you are born, you are given a set appointment. It has no time and no date,” and we all get one.

There is nowhere to turn but to confront the grief and deal with it. My friend died from the Coronavirus. It did something to me, forced me to think about my mortality and think about my relationship with family and friends. Are they close to you, or are you estranged? How long has it been since you communicated with them? All the stuff that swirls in your head when death comes knocking.

My friend and I had an estranged friendship, we lost contact with each other, and it was of my own doing, my stupidity, and sensitive self, I detached! I think about her last moments, was she alone? And because of this virus, she may have had only the medical staff to give her comfort in her final moments. My heart breaks!

My lesson? I don’t want to detach from anyone anymore. I want to value those around me and cherish every moment. It is my personal goal.

Pulse: We are all Connected!

“Only God can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into a triumph, a victim into a victory.” ~Unknown

The aftermath of the Pulse tragedy weighs heavily on my mind. It was a crime of hate and Yes! It is a “Hate Crime!” On the news, as reported, an act of terrorism, but this individual hated people of a different culture, lifestyle.

My son’s friends died in that tragedy; his friends invited him out that night, but a little twist of fate kept him from going. He was celebrating a friend’s birthday, and he almost canceled with her to meet his friends. Little did he know that it would be the last time. I came close to losing my son that night. It just makes me value those around me even more. My son is grieving the loss of his friends, Juan and Drew. My heart is full of sadness; all those young souls that will no longer have their families, friends love on them ever again.

We must all strive for love and not hate. Every human on our planet connects to all walks of life. We all bleed the same; we are made up of blood, blood-red with flesh on our bones. 

Get rid of the labels, the status quo. Let us rebuild, move forward, and mourn for those we have lost and celebrate how they lived!

We are Orlando Strong!